搞笑小文章

篇一：陈的搞笑【不】文章

新西游记

：悟空，去看看前方有没有饭店。

:是，师傅。（离去）

：师傅，我都饿死了，大师兄怎么还不回来啊。（捂着肚子）

：(上场) 师傅，我发现500米以外有肯德基。

：哦是吗，那好，你去卖全家桶回来。（挥挥手）

:（一脸为难）师傅，我的信用卡透支了。

：（转头看看沙僧）那就拿三师弟的吧.

:啊我的？（不忍拿出）

：还不快拿出来。

：（慢慢掏出）给……这是我的信用卡

：（悟空接过，快速离去）我去取钱了

【几分钟后……】

：（悟空取好了钱，买了全家桶回来）久等了，这是全家桶。开饭吧!

------妖精上场，躲在众人身后

：居然让我遇见了唐僧，话说唐僧肉可以长生不老，这下子可以口福了！（妖精摇身一变，变成了个村妇）

：妖精走了出来，对他们说：“施主可以给点饭吃么。“

：呔—你是乞讨的么？

：（妖精一脸不屑的说）我只是要饭的不是来乞讨的！

：悟空有女施主来还不快快请她一起来吃全家捅。

：（妖精笑了笑）谢谢施主。请问还有薯条么？

：有有有，来，给。

：谢谢。

：师傅，我用火眼金金发现她是……..

:她是什么？

：是……一个人。

：废话!别让废了大家的时间。

:哦

：师傅，我们来成语接龙。

：好，来吧。

: 说到这我们可乐还没喝吧

：对呀，赶紧开喝。

（喝完以后）

：师父，我要去方便一下。

（三个人都要去）

妖精想：现在正是下手的好时机。妖精开始袭击唐僧。

这时，悟空跑出来，说：我早就料到你是妖精，看我今天不收服了你！

（幕落）

篇二：英语短文笑话(带翻译)

1、How much English can you speak?

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

中文翻译

"法官先生，我的当事人被指控偷窃，这是多么不公正啊。他一周前才来到纽约，几乎不认路。而且，他只会说几个英语单词。"

法官看了看被告，问道："你会说多少英文？"

被告抬起头，说："把你的钱包给我！"

2

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

He said, "What?"

丈夫给妻子看了一项调查结果，为了向她证明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000个字，而女人每天使用30000个。

妻子想了一会儿说，女人每天说的字数是男人的两倍，因为她们必须重复已经说过的话。 他问："什么？"

3

Boy: Is this seat empty?

Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

男孩：这个座位是空的么？

女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也将是空的。

4、

"Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen. "He's crying."

"Oh, nothing, Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any."

"But has he finished his own cake?"

"Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."

"汤姆，你弟弟怎么了？" 妈妈在厨房里问。"他在哭。"

"没事儿，妈妈，" 汤姆答道。"我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因为我不给他吃。"

"他已经吃完自己的了么？"

"是的。" "我帮他吃完时，他也哭了。"

2009-6-7

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."

The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"

The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

路人甲对路人乙说，"猜猜我兜里有几个子儿？"

路人乙说："我猜对了，你能给我一个不？"

路人甲说："你要猜对了，我两个全部给你！"

2009-6-6研究生和本科生的区别

"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," said an instructor at a university graduate engineering course. "When I say 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond 'Good afternoon.' But the graduate students just write it down."

一个教师在研究生工程学课堂上说："我一眼就能看出来哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。" "我说'下午好'的时候，本科生回答'下午好'，而研究生则把这句话记在本子上。"

2009-6-5

Dad: Tom, please tell me, which month has 28 days?

Tom: Every month.

爸爸：告诉我汤姆，哪个月有28天呢？

汤姆：每个月都有啊！

2009-6-4making faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

史密斯小姐发现她的一名学生在操场上向别人做鬼脸，便去轻责他。

这位主日学校的老师甜甜地微笑着，说："博比，我小的时候，有人告诉我如果我做鬼脸，我的脸就会僵硬，永远都那么丑。"

博比抬头看了看老师，说："史密斯小姐，你可别说没人警告过你啊。"

2009-6-3

A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him.

While he's talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandma, "Thanks for the peanuts."

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off."

一名男子带着朋友去探望他的祖母。

当他和祖母聊天时，他的朋友开始吃咖啡桌上放的花生，并把花生都给吃光了。 他们离开时，他的朋友对祖母说:"谢谢您的花生。"

结果祖母说:"唉！自从我牙齿掉光后，我就只能吮掉花生豆外层的巧克力了。"

2009-6-2

A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.

He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

"All right, son," asked the father, "What does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

一位父亲打算让自己的儿子知道酒精有多么可怕。

他把分别把两只虫子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里做对比。清水里虫子安然无恙，结果威士忌里的虫子蜷缩了几下就挂掉了。

"所以，儿子啊，"父亲问道，"得出什么结论？"

"恩，这说明，你只要喝酒的话，肚里就不会长虫了！"

2009-6-1

Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room.

"Doctor," he said, "you must help me. I swallowed a penny about a month ago."

"Good heavens, man!" said the doctor. "Why have you waited so long? Why don't you come to me on the day you swallowed it?"

"To tell you the truth, Doctor," the poor man replied, "I didn't need the money so badly then."

中文翻译：

一个看起来很难受的穷人走进大夫的诊室。

"大夫！"他说，"帮帮我！一个月前我吞了一分硬币！"

"天哪，"大夫说，"早干嘛去了？你当时怎么不来看？"

"实话告诉您吧，大夫，"穷人说，"我当时还不缺钱！"

2009-5-31

Boy: Hi, didn't we go on dates before? Onec or twice?

Girl: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

男孩：嗨，我们之前是不是约会过，是一次还是两次，我忘记了。

女孩：应该只有一次吧，我从不犯两次同样的错误。

2009-5-30

In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys, "What is the most important physiological quality of a musician?"

"To be deaf," replied the boy.

"Nonsense!" said the teacher angrily.

"Why, sir! Don't you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf?" the boy asked in reply disdainfully.

在一次音乐学院的入学考试中，老师问其中一个男孩："音乐家最重要的生理素质是什么？" "耳聋，"男孩答道。

"胡说！"老师气愤地说。

"怎么了，先生！难道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音乐家贝多芬是个聋子吗？"男孩轻蔑地反问道。

2009-5-28

A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.

Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month." Bartender: "That should make you happy."

The man: "No, the month is up today!"

一个男人坐在酒吧里，伤心至极。

酒吧招待："你怎么了？跟老婆闹矛盾了？"

男人："我们吵了一架，她说一个月都不跟我说话。"

酒吧招待："那你应该高兴才是啊！"

男人："不，今天是这个月的最后一天。"

【Laughter】2009-5-27

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

女人找了老公之前都在担忧未来。男人娶了老婆之前从来不为未来担忧。

2009-5-26

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

男人想要的东西，要是值1块钱却卖2块，他也会买；而对于女人，即使是不想要的东西，要是值2块钱却只卖1块，她也会买。

2009-5-25

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice versa. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the

2nd time will be fined $60. Being caught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this moment, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Umm...How much for a season pass?"

女生宿舍将全面禁止男生进入，男生宿舍也同样不得女生光临。

"不论是谁，一旦违规，初犯将被罚款20美元。再犯要被罚款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罚款。还有什么疑问么？"

这时人群中一个男同学问道，"那么一个季度通行证需要多少钱？"

2009-5-24

Boy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money.

男孩：我可以给你买杯饮料吗？

女孩：你不如直接把钱给我得了。

2009-5-22

Doctor: Your cough sounds much better today.

Patient: It should. I've been practicing all night.

医生：听上去你咳嗽今天好多了。

病人：应该如此。我昨晚练习了一整夜。

2009-5-21

Pete: "The last time I was out hunting, I stepped off a high cliff, and would you believe it, while I was falling every fool deed I'd ever done came into my mind."

Bob: "Must have been a pretty high mountain you fell from."

皮特："我上次出去打猎，跌下了很高的悬崖，信不信由你，当我跌落的时候，我脑海里浮现了我做过的所有蠢事。"

鲍勃："你一定是从万丈高山上跌落的吧。"

2009-5-19

Spending the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers at bedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs:"I PRAY FOR A BIKE... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD..."

His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

2个男孩与祖父母一起过夜，他们跪在床边做睡前祷告。弟弟声嘶力竭地祈祷: "我祈求一辆自行车，一张新DVD……"

哥哥用肘轻推他: "你为什么大喊着祈祷？上帝又不聋。"

弟弟答道:"上帝是不聋，但是奶奶聋。"

篇三：英语幽默小故事6篇

1、Good use of cry 哭的妙用

The parents with their three-year-old son went to see film.

When they walked into the cinema, the attendant said to them,

“you’ll have to go out if your son cries. But we’ll refund

you the tickets.” About half an hour later, the husband

asked his wife, “What do you think of the film?”

“I’ve never seen such a boring film.” His wife answered.

“It’s not worth seeing.”

“I don’t think much of it, either.” The husband said.

“Wake the child up and let him cry.”

一对夫妇带着他们3岁的儿子去看电影。进电影院时，服务员对他们说：“如果你们的儿子哭了，你们就得出去。不过我们会给你们退票的。”大约半个小时以后，丈夫对妻子说：“你觉得这电影怎么样？”“我从没看过这么没劲的电影。”妻子回答说，“真不值得看。”“我也不喜欢看。”丈夫说：“叫醒孩子，让他哭。”

2、What a Smart Wife家有笨妻

A newly married woman was sitting on a chair,

looking vexed, when her husband came home.

"What's up? Why do you look so troubled?"

the husband asked. The woman replied,

"I'm so sorry. I was ironing your new suit and

burned a hole in your trousers." And the man said,

"That's all right. I have another pair that is exactly the same."

"Thank God you do. I used it to mend this pair,"

the wife responded.

有一个刚结婚的太太，坐在椅子那边，看起来很懊恼，她先生回家看到她这个样子，就问：‘嗨，你怎么啦？为什么看起来这么懊恼呢？’太太说：‘很抱歉，你那件新做的西装裤被我烫坏了，烫成一个洞了。’他先生说：‘啊！那个没关系啦！我还有另外一件一样的裤子。’ 她说：‘是啊，还好我把那件新的拿出来补那件被我烫坏的。’

3、Endearing terms

英语幽默故事:可爱的称呼

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, and you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

Bernie应邀来到他的朋友Morris家吃晚餐。在朋友家，Bernie发现，不管问他老婆什么问题，Morris总要在每句话的前面加上一些亲密的称呼，象蜜糖，我的爱人，亲爱的，甜心等等。Bernie对Morris说，“你们夫妻俩真够亲密的，结婚这么多年了，你还叫她叫得那么亲密。”Morris低下头，小声地对Bernie说，“老实跟你说吧，三年前我忘记老婆的真名是什么了。”

4、Are you a normal person？你是正常人吗？

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director ..., "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?" "Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup." "Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

参观一所精神病院的时候一个参观者问院长，“你们是用什么标准来决定一个人是否应该被关进精神病院呢？” “呃? ?”院长说，“是这样，我们先给一个浴缸放满水，然后我们给病人一个调茶匙，一个茶杯和一个水桶去把浴缸里面的水放清。” “噢，我明白了”， 参

观者说。“一个正常人会选择水桶， 因为水桶比茶匙，茶杯的体积大。” “错了”，“院长回答”“正常人会把浴缸塞子拔掉”。

5、英文幽默老虎来了

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them.

One of the guys takes out a pair of "Nikes" from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look and exclaims, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"

His friend replies: "I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you."

两个男人正在穿过丛林，突然，一只老虎出现在远处，向他们冲来。

其中的一个人从包里拿出一双“耐克”鞋，开始穿上。另一个人惊奇地看着他说，“你以为穿上这个就可以跑得过老虎吗？”

他的朋友回答道：“我不用跑得过它，我只要跑得比你快就行了。”

6、Another 40 Years to live

再活40年

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lip-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years? "God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

一名中年妇女心脏病突发被送到了医院， 在手术台上，濒临死亡之际，她看到了上帝， 于是，她问上帝是不是她的日子到头了。 上帝回答说，“还没有，你还能活43年，2个月零8天。” 身体快要康复的时候，这名女士想到自己还要活那么多年，得好好对待自己，于是决定先不出院，而是去给自己整整容，吸吸脂，隆隆胸，然后还做了一个腹部拉皮和其它一些美容美体手术。 她甚至还请人到医院里面帮她头发给染了。 做完最后一个手术，这位女士出院了， 但就在过马路的时候，她被一辆风驰电挚赶回医院的救护车给撞死了。 再一次，她又站到了上帝的面前，她大惑不解地问上帝，“我记得你说我还能再活40年？” 上帝回答，“那个时候我没认出你来”。

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