英语笑话

篇一：英文幽默笑话

1.猫和老鼠

——Mrs Brown went to

visit one of her friend and

carried a small box with

holes punched in the top.

——" What's in your

box?" asked the friend.

——"A cat," answered Mrs Brown. "You see I've been dreaming about mice at night and I'm so scared! This cat is to catch them."

—— "But the mice are only imaginary," said the friend.

——"So is the cat," whispered Mrs Brown.

布朗夫人去拜访一位朋友，她拿着一个顶部扎满了小眼儿的盒子。“盒子里装的是什么？”朋友问道。“一只小猫，”布朗夫人回答说，“你知道我晚上睡觉总梦见老鼠，我非常害怕。这只猫可以抓住那些老鼠。”“可老鼠都是假想的呀。”朋友说。“小猫也是假想的。”布朗夫人小声说道。

2.Reached Shore Fast 快速靠岸

A guy I know was

towing his boat home

from a fishing trip to Lake

Huron when his car broke

down. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able

to

raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday." A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location.""I-75, two miles south of Standish." After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"

在休伦湖钓完鱼后，我的一个朋友开车拖着他的船回家。路上车坏了。他没带手机，不过，他想，也许他可以通过海事无线广播来请求公路援助。于是，他爬到他的船里面，启动了无线装置，喊道，“求救，求救”。一名海岸护卫队警官作出了回应，“报告你的位置”。“I-75号公路，Standish的南面两英里”。沉默了好一会之后，警官问我的朋友，“你的船靠岸时开得有多快？”

3.The Mean Man's Party

吝啬鬼的聚会

The notorious cheap

skate finally decided to

have a party. Explaining to

a friend how to find his

apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor

and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"

一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？”

“天哪！” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧？”

4.Talking clock 会说话的钟

——While proudly showing off

his new apartment to friends, a

college student led the way into

the den. "What is thebig brass

gong and hammer for?" one of

his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

——"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed

from

the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？”他的一个朋友问他。“那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟”，学生回答。“这钟怎么工作的”，他的朋友问。“看着，别眨眼了”，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，“别敲了，你这白痴！现在是凌晨两点钟了！”

5.那就更糟了 Much Worse

----Policeman: Why

didn't you shout for

help when you were

robbed of your watch?

----Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.

警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？

男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了。

6.需要推一下吗

Need a push?

——A man is in bed asleep

with his wife when there is

a rat- a-tat-tat on the door.

——He rolls over and looks

at his clock, and it's half

past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. ——Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

——So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

——He opens the door and there is man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

——"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

——"No, get lost(走开!), it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. ——He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Rememberthat night

we broke down on the pouring rain on the way

篇二：有关英语笑话

4.上次不知道是什么事情把我惹怒了,情急之下我本来要说: FUCK YOU!! 但是却说成FUCK ME!!! 那来外开始愣了一下, 后来他说: u wanna say fuck me ?? OR fuck you?? 晕...我连吵架的气势都没了.

5.有个老外到唐山去旅游，住在当地一户农家里，早上起来，看见院子里有只猫，就逗猫玩，这时候这户人家的老太太出来了，就说：鼓捣猫呢？老外还以为是问早上好，于是就回了一句“Good morning！”到了晚上，老太太又看见这老外又在洗衣服，就说：鼓捣衣服呢？老外赶紧又回答一句“Good evening!” 心里真佩服，中国人厉害，连老太太英语都说的这么好！深夜，老外泡了一杯牛奶，准备喝完睡觉，又被老太太看见了，问老外：鼓捣奶呢？老外一听，连“Good night！”都会说，彻底晕菜。

中国人学英语

全家死

bus 爸死

yes 爷死

girls 哥死

miss 妹死 ·

nice 奶死

Mars 妈死

school 死光了

老师在黑板上写了一句：Time is money.并让同学们翻译。有名学生答道：“汤姆是玛丽。”

小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet?

老师说：Go ahead.

小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：May I go to the toilet?

老师说：Go ahead.

小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？

怎么不去？

小明说：你没听老师说「去你个头」啊！ 6.

某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：I am hongtao liu，外宾曰：我TM还是方片七呢！

7.英语老师问一个学生，“How are you是什么意思”

学生想how是怎么，you 是你，于是回答“怎么是你？”

老师生气又问另一个同学：“How old are you ?是什么意思？”

这个同学想了想说：“怎么老是你。”

8. 女：say“i love you”，say it，come on！say it！

男：it！

上初一的时候，英语老师让我们读课文，恰好是一段对话，于是叫了一男一女两个同学来读。

男：What time is it now?

女：It’s nine.

男：Let’s go to bed.

女：We go to bed at nine.

全班绝倒。

一对热恋中的男女。女生非常没有安全感，于是对着男友说：“SAY?I LOVE YOU!!?SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT!”

男的答道：“IT!”

12、一次为一个初中小孩搞家教，在其英语课本上发现如下恐怖字眼： 爸死（bus）爷死( yes )哥死（girls）妹死（Mis）……死光（school）

说件初中时候同学的一件傻事，不知道割………上英语课的时候一同学连续打了5个喷嚏，估计是英语课太严肃了 ，有些同学没有忍住笑了，亮点来了。那同学很大声的说了句：笑什么笑，你们没有放过屁啊！当时连英语老师都没有忍住。全班狂笑中………有木有一点点的笑点呢？？

小时候特sb，上英语课表演对话你懂得。

lz跟小班花对话表演。

++++听说割了会顶的更用力+++

最后的时候课文上写着要对话完要拥抱一下。

然后...老师说表演完可以下去了。

我竟然大声的嚷着，不是说好了可以拥抱的吗。不是要拥抱吗...

然后，我就出去站了一节课。

都是大骗子.....

高中的时候，上完早操同学们一窝蜂的往教室挤，结果门坏了-------我们偷偷把门闭好，想着整英语老师一顿。老师一开门，门就斜了。班里同学叫唤着：老师你把门弄坏了！老师脸那个煞白啊。一节课都没在心思上，还时不时的去研究怎么修门……

大一理科男，一次上英语课，老师点名念英语课文，叫到lz旁边的二货，他正在睡觉，lz推醒他，他站起来迷迷糊糊的，问lz该怎么回答，lz果断的小声来了句：make love！于是那二货同学当着全班五十号人大声的说了一句……make love 。。教室安静5秒后所有人笑喷了！了……老师一脸的黑线呀！

本人男，在我小学六年级一次英语课上，老师让举手上黑板默写单词，由于老师每次都是在教室走着选上谁就会拍谁一下，这次问谁会，结果有三分之二同学都举手了，同时嘴里还喊着我去我去，我也举手了，可是我不会，就当老师走到我旁边的时候我不知道怎么说出一句我去，这时候老师拍了我一下胳膊，我当时心立马就凉了，怎么办啊！正走着去黑板，这时候老师从后面说话了，回来，越会越不让你去了，我就老老实实回来了，拿哥们逗乐呢！我的心啊！过去十年了，现在回想起来还得意呢！第一次发，求过

初中时的糗事。。。。。。。。不能割还得用。。。。。。。。。

学期第一节课，换了个英语老师，让每个同学都上讲台用英语介绍一下自己，并且说一下自己的偶像。到楼主上台了，楼主不记得什么明星的名字，就记得好像有个叫什么德华的唱歌特牛逼，又想起来以前在电视上好像看到过马德华的，就说我叫xxx,我的偶像是一位歌星，叫马德华，同学们都还在纳闷儿马德华是谁，老师说:我要纠正一下，马德华不是歌星，是影星，在西游记里饰演猪八戒。。。。。 同学们都笑疯了，，，后来全班都知道我的偶像是猪八戒。。。。。

我在想，我看西游记看演员表是看的是有多认真。。。 。。。

记得小学一次英语课，老师给我们讲外国人的名字在前姓在后。。。。隔了老师的智商。。。。。然后她说，我举个例子啊，比如朱峰同学，就应该叫峰朱，全班一下扑呎一声沸腾了起来。老师愣了一会儿慌了，我，我们，换，换一个同学的名字举例。。。

2.试题：如果一位中国学生在美国加州目睹了一起交通事故，警察来了以后问你知不知道事情的经过，应该怎么对他说？一个人回答：one car come one car go，two car peng peng，one car die。

篇三：最经典英文笑话

英文笑话

一眼就看中

The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ?"

"I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.

Notes:

(1) go-between n.媒人

(2) settle on选定；决定

Exercises: 根据短文判断下列句子正（T）、（F）：

① The girl was angry with the go-between for having cheated her.

② The girl married the one-eyed man.

③ The go-between hadn't told the girl the fact.

④ The go-between thought that justice was on his side.

⑤ The girl hadn't fully understood the go-between's words.

112.一眼就看中

姑娘找到媒人，说：“你欺骗了我。他的一只眼是假眼，你以前为什么不告诉我？”“怎么没告诉你？”媒人也不甘示弱，“你们第一回见面后，我就说，他一眼就看中你了。”

借公牛一用

Once upon a time, there lived a rich man, but he didn't know any words.

One day, one of his friends wanted to borrow an ox from him, so he wrote a note and asked his servant to take it to this rich man.

After the servant gave the note to the rich man, he pretended to be reading it and after a while, he said, "OK, I know. Go and tell your master, I'll go myself shortly. Notes:

(1) he pretended to be reading it他假装读着字条。

(2) pretend to do佯装做

Exercises:根据短文回答下列问题：

① When did the story take place?

② What problem did the rich man have?

③ What did his friend want to borrow from him?

④ Who took the note to the rich man?

⑤ The rich man made a fool of himself, didn't he?

111.借公牛一用

从前，有个人很富有，但他不识字。 一天，他的一位朋友想向他借一头公牛，便写了个条，让仆人送到富人那里。

仆人把条子给了富人。富人便假装看了一会儿，然后说道：“好啦，我知道了。回去告诉你的主人，我马上自己过去。”

练习参考答案：

① A long time ago.

② He didn't know and words.

③ An ox.

④ The servant.

⑤ Yes, he did.

You may select可以选择

The husband complained that his wife always cooked the same dish.

One day, the husband got home and asked his wife, "My dear, what will we eat today?" The wife said, "You may select the dish today."

The husband was very glad and asked, "Which dishes are there today?"

"Cabbage."

"The others?"

"None."

"Then how to select?"

"Eat or not eat!" the wife said.

Notes:

(1) complain v.抱怨

(2) cabbage n.白菜

Exercises:

根据短文选择正确答案：

① What did the husband complain about?

A. His wife sometimes cooked the same dish.

B. His wife seldom cooked the same dish.

C. His wife always cooked the same dish.

D. His wife didn't cook any dish.

② What question did the husband ask one day?

A. He asked what they would cat.

B. He asked if there was anything to eat.

C. He asked if there was any meat.

D. He asked if there was any cabbage.

③ The wife told him that_____ .

A. there was no meat

B. there was a lot of cabbage

C. he could select the dish

D. he could cook some other dishes

④ The husband was at first_____ .

A. very disappointed

B. very angry

C. very sad

D. very glad

⑤ We can be sure that_____ .

A. the family had nothing to eat on that day

B. the family had only one dish on that day

C. the family had several dishes an that day

D. the family went out to a restaurant on that day

119.可以选择

丈夫抱怨妻子总是做同样的一种菜。

一天，丈夫回到家，问妻子：“亲爱的，今天我们吃啥菜？”

妻子回答：“今天你可以选择。”

丈夫感到非常高兴，又问：“都有哪些菜呢？”

“炒白菜。”

“还有呢？”

“没了。”

“那你要我怎么选呢？”

“吃还是不吃！”妻子一本正经地说道。

练习参考答案：

①C②A③C④D⑤B

What color 什么颜色

An impoverished graduate student at Clemson University in South Carolina, I was excited when my father informed me that he had bought me a car. Hardly able to contain my enthusiasm, I asked Dad the typical questions: "What kind is it? Does it have a stick shift? Does it have a tape deck?" "It's a 1982 Toyota," he replied. "It's a four speed, and, yes, it has a tape deck . " Pleased, I asked what color it was.

"Well, " he said uncomfortably, " which part?"

Notes:

(1) impoverished adj.穷困的

(2) South Carolina 南卡罗莱那（美国州名）

(3) inform v.告知

(4) contain v.控制（情绪等）

(5) enthusiasm n.热情

(6) typical adj.典型的

(7) stick shift 手排挡

(8) tape deck 磁带舱

Exercises:

根据短文判断下列句子正（T）、（F）：

① The graduate student couldn't afford a car himself.

② When his father told him that a car had been bought for him he was excited.

③ He controlled his excitement and didn't ask any questions.

④ He wanted a car with a stick shift.

⑤ He got a second-hand colored car.

什么颜色

作为南卡罗莱那州克莱姆森大学的一个本科生，我囊中羞涩，当我父亲告诉我他为我买了辆车时，我甚是激动。我几乎控制不住我的热情，问了爸爸几个关键问题：“什么车？有没有手排挡？有没有磁带舱？”

“是1982年产丰田车，”他回答说，“四速，还有，是的，有磁带舱。”我甚是高兴，又问是什么颜色的。

“哦，”他很不舒服地说，“你指哪一部分？”

练习参考答案：

①T②T③F④T⑤T

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