101 The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate

101 The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.] Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with! 没什么好说的！他不过是我的同事！

Joey: Come on, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him! 少来了，你和那个人一起出去！拜托，和你交往的男人一定有问题！

Chandler: All right Joey, be nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece? 打住，乔伊，嘴下留德。他驼背？既驼背又带假发？ Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk? 慢着，他吃粉笔吗？ (They all stare, bemused.)

Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh! 我只是不想你重蹈我和卡尔的覆辙。

Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.

各位别急，这不算约会。我们不过是出去吃晚餐，而且不做爱。 Chandler: Sounds like a date to me. 听起来好像是说我的约会。 [Time Lapse]

Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.

记得中学时代的梦，我站在自助餐厅，突然发现自己全身赤裸。 All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream. 我做过那样的梦。

Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there. 我低头一看，看见有一支电话??在那儿。 Joey: Instead of...? 而不是??？

Chandler: That's right. 没错。

Joey: Never had that dream. 我没做过那样的梦。 Phoebe: No.

Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.

那支电话突然响起，而我不知道怎么办，每个人都开始望着我。 Monica: And they weren't looking at you before?! 他们之前不看你吗？！

Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!

终于，我认为我应该接，结果是我妈打来，我感到很奇怪，因为我妈不曾打过电话给我！ [Time Lapse, Ross has entered.] Ross: (mortified) Hi.

Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

这家伙向我打招呼时我就想自杀。 Monica: Are you okay, sweetie? 你还好吧？

Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...

我感觉有人把手伸入我的喉咙，抓起我的肠子，从我的口中取出，然后绑在我脖上?? Chandler: Cookie? 饼干？

Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today. 卡罗今天把她的东西搬走了。 Joey: Ohh.

Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee. 我帮你泡杯咖啡吧 Ross: Thanks.

Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.)

Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay? 不要??别清理我的灵气。可是??别碰我的灵气就是了。 Phoebe: Fine! Be murky! 好吧，保持晦气！

Ross: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy. 我会没事的，真的，我祝她幸福。 Monica: No you don't. 不，你不会的，没错，

Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me! 我不会的，去她的，她甩掉我！

Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian... 而且你一直都不知道她是女同性恋者。

Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know? 没有！！行了吧？！为何大家都围着这个话题打转？连她不知道，我怎会知道。

Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud? 有时真希望自己也是个女同志。我刚刚大声说出来了吗？

Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well. 昨晚我告诉我父母，他们好像还挺好。

Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., \never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren.\真的吗，凌晨三点我接到一个电话，一个女人歇斯底里的向我哭诉，“我不能抱孙子了，我不能抱孙子了。”那是什么？打错了？ Ross: Sorry.

Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?

别闷闷不乐了，罗斯。你现在很痛苦。我一肚子火,心如刀割。能告诉你解决之道吗？ (Ross gestures his consent.)

Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!

脱衣舞酒店。你单身，有性需求。

Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again! 我不想单身的。我只想再结婚。

(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)

Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.) 我只想要一百万！ Monica: Rachel?!

Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!

天啊，莫妮卡，谢天谢地！我到过你的住处，你不在。有个拿着一根大榔头的人说你可能会在这儿，结果你真的在这儿。 Waitress: Can I get you some coffee? 想来杯咖啡吗？

Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?

无咖啡因的。各位，她叫瑞秋，另一位从林肯高中生存下来的人。这位叫钱德勒，菲比，乔伊。还记得我哥罗斯吗？ Rachel: Hi, sure! Ross: Hi.

(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)

Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids? 你想现在告诉我们，还是等伴娘来再说？

Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden-

婚礼前半个小时发生了变数。我在堆放礼物的房间里，看着船形卤肉盘，非常漂亮的船形卤肉盘，突然间??

(to the waitress that brought her coffee) Sweet 'n' Lo? 有没有代糖？

- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. 我了解船形卤肉盘此巴瑞更能引起我的“性趣”，我自己都吓了一跳，巴瑞愈看愈像猪头先生。我一直都认为他很眼熟。总之,我必须离开。我开始想，我为何这么做？我为谁这样做？(to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city. 于是我不知该走往何处，我知道你我日渐疏远。但是你是我在这个城市，认识的唯一一个人。 Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding. 好像是唯一没受邀参加婚礼的人。

Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue... 这件事就甭提啦。

[Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.]

Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.

我猜他送她一台管风琴，她肯定不喜欢，

Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad? Decide! 金枪鱼还是鸡蛋沙拉？快决定！

Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is having. 我要拥有克莉丝汀拥有的一切。

Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!

爸，我不能嫁给他??对不起，我只是不爱他。对，是我的问题！ (The scene on TV has changed to show two women, one is holding her hair.) Phoebe: If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off. 如果我没了头发，还不如去死。

Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants. 她不该穿那条裤子。

Joey: I say push her down the stairs. 我建议推她下楼，

Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!

推她下楼！推她下楼！推她下楼！

(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)

Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy! 爸，你听我说??大家这样评价我这一辈子：你是一只鞋??今天我倒想看看如果我不再是鞋会怎样。我说如果我想当皮包呢？或是帽子呢？不，我不需你帮我买帽子。我说我是一顶帽子。爸，这是一种比喻。

Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble. 你看他也有些问题。

Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica. 爸，这是我的人生。或许我会和莫妮卡住在这儿。

Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica... 我想我们已确定好谁要和莫妮卡住在这儿。

Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money.Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!

或许那是我的决定。或许我不希罕你的钱。等一下，等一下??我说的是或许！！ [Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.]

Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things... 深呼吸，就这样。试着想着美好的事物??

Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles

with string. These are a few...

玫瑰上的雨滴，猫嘴上的胡须，门铃和雪橇之类的。啦 啦 啦??还有手套?? Rachel: I'm all better now. 我现在好多了。

Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped! 我的功劳。

Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole, 'hat' thing.

或许这样最好，要自立，决定自己的事情。

Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.

有任何需要找乔伊准没错。我和钱德勒就住在对面，而且他经常不在家。 Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day! 乔伊,少趁虚而入了，今天是她大喜的日子。 Joey: What, like there's a rule or something? 什么？有规定不能吗？

(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)

Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound. 别再这样，声音很刺耳。

Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul. Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30? Buzz him in! 天啊，6:30了吗？让他进来！ Joey: Who's Paul?

Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul? 调酒的那个保罗？ Monica: Maybe.

Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy? 等等,你今晚该不是真的要和调酒的那个保罗约会吧？ Ross: He finally asked you out? 他终于开口约你了？ Monica: Yes!

Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment. 终于被你等到了。

Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel... 瑞秋，等等，我可以取消。

Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine! 不用了，你去吧，我不会有事的。

Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay? 罗斯，你没事吧。你要我留下来吗？ Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good... 那样最好??

Monica: (horrified) Really?

Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy! 假的，去吧！是保罗，调酒师耶！

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