雅思作文修改---范例(超详细)

题目：Some people think computer and Internet are important in children’s study,but others think students can learn more effectively in schools an with teachers. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

With the development of society and technology, using computer has been a very common thing in our daily life. There is a discussion about whether children should use computers to help them study or not.

With the widespread of computers, even teachers are using computers when imparting knowledge to students. It is certain that students regard computers as a tool of study. Moreover, children can acquire knowledge in an all-around way by using computers for the reason that they can learn with all their senses-hearing, vision, tactile. In addition, computers can provides children with a more rich and colorful world that they can not get from traditional education. Furthermore, children can broaden their horizons by surfing the Internet.

However, people who are old-fashioned hold an opposite view. They believe that students should gain knowledge only by going to school and listening to their teachers. As they said, teachers are those who are experienced, under whose guidance learning can be more efficient. Refer to computers, although the benefits are acknowledged, there are still lots of harm that computers can bring to children, such as negative information (egg. violence, pornography)and being harmful to children’s eyes.

As far as I know, the benefits of computers weigh the harms. On one hand, students should go to school and listen to teachers carefully; on the other hand,computers could help them learn more about the knowledge and the world outside the school.

回复邮箱：xusensen@

点评：文章得分在5-5.5左右

内容：句子在逻辑上不够完善，比如第二段，很多只是随便甩了一个观点，也没有做任何的解释，没有解释或者举例的观点那算不得观点；所以最后文章的饱满程度会大打折扣；比如你在moreover后面的观点，完全可以再加上“因为这些栩栩如生的资料模拟了孩子们现实生活中的各种情景”，所以孩子们才能学到更多；

衔接：衔接部分还好，可见一定花了时间在背诵这些连接词上，比如我在文中加粗的词语

观点数量：一般好的作文，一个不成文的规定就是正反两个方面各有三个观点，你可以看下你有没有达到

词汇：除了连接词使用恰当之外，文中很少见到一些闪光的词汇；还存在一些词语反复使用,benefit harm,何况这里harm用的语境感觉也不对，所以这句话我还得修改there are still lots of harm that computers can bring to children, such as negative information (egg. violence, pornography)

修改成： there are still lots of negative information such as violence, pornography bring to children via Internet.

语句：存在一些中式英语的问题，还有一些很勉强拼凑的复合句；让文章变得生涩难懂，雅思作文追求的是简单明了，能够在没有语法错误的情况下清楚表达作者观点，放在了评分的第一位；并不是复杂句越多得分越高，建议多多联系简单句，适当的使用复合句增强文章的表现力

附上范文一篇

Some individuals opine that computers and the internet have become an indispensable part of education and therefore schools and teachers do not play a significant role in education. Others say that for effective learning, schools and teachers are still indispensable. In the following paragraphs, I intend to discuss both views followed by my opinion.

It is an undeniable fact that teachers can never lose their importance. In learning and practice of more complex ideas, the computer is not adequate. It can tell if the answer is right or wrong but it cannot tell where the student went wrong. Tasks involving reasoning cannot be taught using computers. Moreover, teachers add their own knowledge gained through experience to that of books and other resources.

Furthermore, teachers can stimulate interest and it is an undeniable fact that interested stimulated people tend to learn more. They can keep students focused on study. They can provide a faster and simpler way to present information to the students. They can come down to the level of a student and so are definitely better than computers. What is more, teachers are role models for students. They are scholars in action. They not only teach academic subjects, but also many social skills.

Schools are places where students learn many social skills apart from academic education. There are also practical subjects which students can learn best from the teacher. For example, experiments of physics and chemistry are best learnt by the teacher guiding you at every step in the school setting. What is more, teachers in schools give assignments and regularly check them. This helps the teachers to recognise the weak points of students and guide them accordingly. All this cannot be done by the internet and computer.

On the other hand, it is also true that the internet is an ocean of knowledge. You can get information about any topic on Earth from the internet. But there is no authenticity of this information. What information to get and from where to get requires a lot of expertise. Students still need the guidance of the teachers at all stages of learning. Teachers can make even the dull and boring subjects seem interesting. So definitely students learn more from teachers.

To put it in a nutshell, I can say that, no doubt computers and internet have become important in education but the role of schools and teachers can never be undermined.

页 1: [1] 批注 [T10]

Tony

20122012-2-7 15:20:00

这么多 who 又 whose 的，最后缺少了主语“students” ,所以宁愿写简单句也不写复杂句： Students can be more efficient under the guidance learning with experienced teachers

页 1: [2] 批注 [T12]

Tony

20122012-2-7 15:24:00

又是一个 harm,不注意词语的变化，还有，伤害的不仅仅是孩子的眼睛，还有心灵。

页 1: [3] 批注 [T14]

Tony

20122012-2-7 16:15:00

结尾很失败，结尾是表达你个人看法的地方，你第一句已经说了你的观点，但是你后面却又 解释了两边的观点

本文来源：https://www.bwwdw.com/article/8kh4.html