美国晚间脱口秀笑话一周精选

沪江英语原创资料下载f1ef8f8702d276a200292ee7/new 美国晚间脱口秀笑话一周精选（2009.4-2009.9）

来源：沪江英语作者：半含朝雨

脱口秀是了解美国文化和近期时事的一个好窗口，如果你看下面这些话都能会心的大笑，你的英语也就差不多到了一定的境界了。本文翻译仅供参考，欢迎交流讨论。

美国晚间脱口秀一周笑话精选（4月25日）

"Congratulations to Miss North Carolina, Kristen Dalton, who won the Miss USA pageant last night. So, I guess Republicans now have a VP candidate for 2012." --Jimmy Fallon

“热烈祝贺北卡罗来纳小姐Kristen Dalton，她昨晚赢得了美国小姐的冠军。所以我猜共和党人们现在有了一个2012年副总统的候选人。”——吉米·法伦

"Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this country, are now suffering from Balzheimer's disease. Why didn't I see it before? Balzheimer's is a terrible illness that attacks the memory and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they themselves made a career of. There is no known cure." --Jon Stewart

“迪克·切尼和卡尔·罗夫，曾经是这个国家最有权势的两个人，现在得了老年痴呆。我以前怎么就没注意到呢？老年痴呆是一种很严重的疾病，会攻击人的记忆力让病人胡说八道为了他们有所建树的东西来攻击别人，这种病目前来说还不能治愈。”——乔·斯图尔特

"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that

every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno

“巴拉克·奥巴马总统昨天告诉他的内阁成员说要确保纳税人的每一块钱都要花到正地方上。但尴尬的是他不得不对内阁成员解释纳税人是什么。”——杰·雷诺。

"Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together on stage in Toronto for a two-hour, friendly debate. Each side gets to pick a topic, so the first hour will be centered on the international banking crisis. The second hour will be dedicated to Nascar trivia." --Jimmy Fallon

“比尔·克林顿和乔治·W.布什将在多伦多同台进行一场两小时的友好辩论。双方都需要选择一个话题，所以第一个小时应该会集中在国际银行危机上，第二个小时将会贡献给Nascar 挑战赛车。”——吉米·法伦

沪江英语原创资料下载f1ef8f8702d276a200292ee7/new "Classified documents that were recently released show that Dick Cheney, who a couple of years ago went nuts and shot a guy, ordered Khalid Shaikh Mohammed waterboarded 183 times. When do you suppose Mohammed caught on and said, 'I know this is just horse play'? But anyway, they waterboarded Mohammed 183 times, and thanks to the information they got from this guy, via waterboarding, we were able to capture bin Laden." --David Letterman

“最近解密的一批档案显示迪克·切尼，就是几年前突然发疯开枪打了一个人的那家伙，曾命令哈立德·谢赫·穆罕默德（沪江小编注：这人是基地组织的军师）用了183次水刑。你们觉得穆罕默德是在什么时候被抓到说‘我知道这只是小把戏’的呢？不过不管怎么说，他们给穆罕默德用了183次水刑，幸亏有这个家伙给出的信息，通过水刑，我们成功的抓住了本·拉登。”——大卫·莱特曼

"Rod Blagojevich, the indicted former governor of Illinois, lost his bid to travel to Costa Rica to appear on the NBC reality show, 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!' You know what reality show he could be on? 'Cops.'" --Jay Leno

“罗德·布拉戈耶维奇，这位被控告的伊利诺斯州前州长，失去了到哥斯达黎加出席一个NBC 真人秀的机会，‘我是个名人，让我离开这儿！’你们知道他应该上什么真人秀吗？《警察》”——杰·雷诺

"Texas Governor Rick Perry said the state of Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to. Is that what we need, another foreign country on our southern border speaking a language we don't understand? Come on! Former President Bush wasted no time responding to this. He said, 'Wow, does that mean I get to be president again?'" --Jay Leno

“德克萨斯的州长瑞克·派瑞曾说只要德克萨斯州想要脱离联邦就应该可以这么做。这是咱们想要的吗？在南部边境的另外一个国家，说着咱们都听不懂的话？拜托！前总统布什根本没浪费时间马上就做出了回应。他说，‘哇哦，那是不是说我又要当总统啦？’”——杰·雷诺

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the United States is now ready to talk to Cuba. You know what that means? Apparently, we are already interviewing replacements for Texas." --Jay Leno

“国务卿希拉里·克林顿说，美国已经做好了和古巴会谈的准备。你们知道这是什么意思吗？很明显，我们已经在面试德克萨斯的替代品了。”——杰·雷诺

"So many newspapers all across the country are going out of business. It's pretty scary, so congratulations to The New York Times this week, which this week won five Pulitzer Prizes. I read about it online on Google News." --Jay Leno

沪江英语原创资料下载f1ef8f8702d276a200292ee7/new “全国有很多报社都关门了，这很可怕，所以让我们祝贺纽约时代报吧，他们本周拿了五个普利策奖。我是上网在google新闻上看到这条消息的。”——杰·雷诺

"During an interview with The New York Post, Rudy Giuliani said that he is against gay marriage. He feels marriage should be between a man, a woman, the other woman, and the other woman he met after that." --Jay Leno

“在纽约邮报的一次访谈中，鲁迪·朱利安尼说他反对同性婚姻。他觉得婚姻应该发生在一个男人、一个女人、另一个女人，以及在那之后他遇到的另一个女人之间。”——杰·雷诺

"Hey, I thought this was nice. To celebrate Earth Day, a group of schoolchildren in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden's head." --Jay Leno “嘿，我觉得这个主意不错，为了庆祝地球日，找一群华盛顿的小学生，每人在乔·拜登头上种一撮头发。”——杰·雷诺

美国晚间脱口秀笑话一周精选（5月8日）

曾参加美国大选民主党党内初选的约翰·爱德华兹和妻子伊丽莎白一向被美国人视为夫妻恩

爱美满婚姻的典范，尤其伊丽莎白和癌症不屈不挠的斗争使她成为美国人民心中的伟大女性。今年三月约翰向身患癌症的的妻子伊丽莎白承认自己有个情妇，这个情妇在今年二月生了一个女儿。

"Well, tomorrow, John Edwards' wife, Elizabeth Edwards, a great woman, is going to be on 'Oprah.' How many of you are going to watch that? How many of would you rather see her beat the crap out of her husband on 'Jerry Springer?'" --Jay Leno

“嗯，明天，约翰·爱德华兹的妻子伊丽莎白·爱德华兹，一位伟大的女性，要上奥普拉脱口

秀了。你们有多少人会去看的？有多少人更希望看她在杰里·斯普林格脱口秀上狂扁她老公？”——杰·雷诺

"Former presidential candidate John Edwards has admitted that Federal investigators are looking into his presidential campaign finances and the fact that he paid over $100,000 to his mistress. Edwards is denying any impropriety -- he said his mistress earned every penny." --Jay Leno

“前总统候选人约翰·爱德华兹已经承认联邦调查员正在调查他的竞选资金和他曾给过他情

妇十万多美元的事实。爱德华兹不承认这有任何不妥当——他说他的情妇每一分钱都是应得的。”——杰·雷诺

沪江英语原创资料下载f1ef8f8702d276a200292ee7/new "John Edwards is now being investigated on whether or not he used campaign funds to pay his mistress hush money. Here's my question: why can't we find hush money to keep Joe Biden quiet?" --Jay Leno

“约翰·爱德华兹正在因为是否使用竞选资金给情妇封口费的问题接受调查。我的问题是：我们为什么不能找到一笔封口费堵住乔·拜登的嘴呢？”——杰·雷诺

美国媒体报道，最高法院法官苏特（Souter）正在计划退休，这就给了奥巴马一个首次任命大法官的机会。美国的大法官是终身职位，一共有九位，他们在任期内会对美国法律乃至真个美国社会都产生深远影响。在2000年美国大选的时候因为佛罗里达州选票统计的问题，小布什和戈尔对簿公堂，最后的裁定就是由美国最高法院下达的，因此就有了“法官们选总统的眼光”问题。

"A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven't seen in awhile. Let's just hope the president is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president." --Jay Leno

“最高法院有个空缺，有段日子没看到这种事情了，咱们只能希望总统挑法官的眼光会比法官们选总统的眼光好了。”——杰·雷诺

"They say President Obama will most likely pick a woman. And I think that's probably true, because today, Clarence Thomas was seen renting porn." --Bill Maher

“他们说奥巴马极有可能挑选一位女性，我想这可能是真的，因为今天，克拉伦斯·托马斯被看见租黄片儿了。”——比尔·马歇

"President Obama may choose a Supreme Court nominee by the end of the week. That's fast. Nothing against the President, but doesn't it worry you that it took him 10 times longer to decide on a dog?" --Craig Ferguson

“奥巴马总统极有可能在本周末选出一位最高法院的法官候选人，这挺快的。没有什么能够阻碍总统，但是他花了十倍的时间去选一只狗，这难道不让人担心吗？”——克莱格·弗格森

"Barack Obama may choose Hillary Clinton as Souter's replacement. So the big question now is, well, can she make the transition from pantsuits to robes." --David Letterman

“巴拉克·奥巴马可能会选择希拉里·克林顿作为苏特的继任者。于是现在最大的问题就是，呃，她能适应从套装到长袍的转变吗？”——大卫·莱特曼

"Well, as you know, Supreme Court judge is a job for life. There's only one other job in Washington that's a job for life. That's on the Joe Biden Clarification and

沪江英语原创资料下载f1ef8f8702d276a200292ee7/new Apology Unit. And that's 24/7. That's very hectic." --Jay Leno

“嗯，大家都知道哈，最高法院的工作是终身制的。华盛顿还有另外一个终身制的工作，就是乔·拜登澄清和道歉小组，还是24小时×7天工作的，那也太让人脸红了。”——杰·雷诺

"Today, President Barack Obama promised to 'detect and pursue' American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected and nominated American tax evaders." --Jay Leno

“今天，奥巴马总统承诺要‘侦查和追捕’美国逃税的人，这和他在百日新政的做法完全不同，那时候他是‘侦查和提名’美国逃税的人。”——杰·雷诺

"President Obama attended an early Cinco de Mayo event at the White House yesterday, but he mistakenly greeted guests with the phrase, Welcome to Cinco de Cuatro, which means five of four. Maybe it's the White House itself that makes people dumb." --Jimmy Kimmel

“奥巴马总统昨天在白宫出席了一个五月五的早期庆祝活动，但是他迎宾的时候说错了词，对人家说，欢迎来参加四分之五。也许是白宫让人变傻了。”——吉米·卡莫

五月五是墨西哥的一个重要节日，Cinco de Mayo是西班牙语，美国的墨西哥人很多，像热门美剧《越狱》等，里面都会时不时的冒几句西班牙语出来，所以美国庆祝这个节日也是很正常的。这个节日曾被人误认为是墨西哥的国庆节，事实上墨西哥的国庆是在9月16日。

"President Obama and his lovely wife, Michelle, recently went out to dinner at a restaurant. And after dinner, they took a romantic sunset walk around the White House grounds. And I was thinking, well, Bill Clinton used to take romantic strolls, but I think he waited until his wife was out of town." --David Letterman “奥巴马总统和他可爱的妻子米歇尔最近到一家餐馆去吃饭，饭后他们在夕阳下的白宫浪漫的散了个步。我就想到，嗯，比尔·克林顿也曾经浪漫的散过步，不过我想他都是等到他妻子出城的时候。”——大卫·莱特曼

"And President Obama said that the country needs to remember that it is cool to be smart. Today, former President George W. Bush gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno

“奥巴马总统曾说这个国家需要记住聪明是很酷的一件事情。今天，前总统乔治·W.布什提出了反证。”——杰·雷诺

"As you know, Vice President Biden got in a little bit of trouble yesterday when he suggested that people should avoid commercial flights and subways if they want to stay healthy. Yeah. Today, President Obama recommended that Biden

沪江英语原创资料下载f1ef8f8702d276a200292ee7/new avoid microphones and TV cameras for the very same reason." --Jay Leno “大家都知道，副总统乔·拜登因为建议大家为了健康起见不要乘坐商业航班和地铁惹了点麻烦。是的，今天，奥巴马总统建议拜登因为同样的原因避免接触麦克风和电视摄像头。”——杰·雷诺

"Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told a group of fourth graders that the Bush Administration never used torture to interrogate terrorist suspects. Condoleezza spoke to the fourth graders using simple, uncomplicated words that they could easily understand. Same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim." --Jay Leno

“前国务卿康多莉扎·赖斯跟一群四年级的学生们说，布什政府在审问恐怖分子嫌疑人的时候从来没有折磨过他们。康多莉扎对这群四年级学生讲话的时候使用的是非常直白一点都不复杂的词汇，可以让他们很容易就听明白。她向布什总统解释的时候也是这么说的，几乎是一个字一个字说的。”——杰·雷诺

"Here's an unusual story. Only in Louisiana! I love Louisiana politics. This is my favorite. A porn star named Stormy Daniels is now embarking on a listening tour of the state of Louisiana. She's considering running for the Senate. A porn star running for the Senate. Porn to politics. That's kind of a lateral move, isn't it?" --Jay Leno

“今天有个很特别的故事，只有路易斯安那能出这种故事！我爱路易斯安那的政治，这是我最喜欢的。一个叫斯托米·丹尼尔斯的色情明星最近正在路易斯安那州进行一个“倾听之旅”。她在考虑竞选参议员。一个色情明星竞选参议员，从色情到政治，这算是一种平级调动，不是吗？”——杰·雷诺

"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson

“今天缅因裁定同性恋婚姻合法。在多年和加拿大接触之后，缅因终于可以舒舒服服地接受这个问题了。”——克莱格·弗格森

美国晚间脱口秀笑话一周精选（5月15日）

事实证明，已经下台一鞠躬的人还是老老实实的好，不要随便放话。不然小心被人翻旧账。本周切尼在媒体面前说了几句话，于是让自己成功的成为了脱口秀主持人的靶子。

"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman

沪江英语原创资料下载f1ef8f8702d276a200292ee7/new 前副总统迪克·切尼说奥巴马总统在白宫记者协会晚宴上开的笑话有点过头。说到过头，切尼的意思是不是像给一个人用水刑用183次那种的？——大卫·莱特曼

"Barack Obama said that his Administration will not release the photographs of detainee abuse. Not because they don't want to, but because they can't get the password for Dick Cheney's camera phone." --Jimmy Fallon

巴拉克·奥巴马说他的政府将不会发布虐囚的照片。不是因为他们不想，只是因为他们拿不到迪克·切尼拍照手机的密码。——吉米·法伦

"Dick Cheney was on the news this week, and he said that it would be a mistake for the Republicans to moderate their policies. He said they should remain true to their core principles: gay bashing, war profiteering and torture." --Bill Maher 迪克·切尼这周上新闻了，他说共和党人弱化他们的政策是个错误，他说他们应该保持他们的核心原则：反对同性恋、发战争财和虐囚。——比尔·马歇

"Sarah Palin has got a deal to write her memoir. Got a deal to writeher memoir, yup. I believe it's titled, 'The Book to Nowhere.'" --DavidLetterman

莎拉·佩林已经得到写传记的合约了，嗯，可以写传记了，我相信书名已经定了，“哪都去不了的书”。——大卫·莱特曼

"Donald Trump came to the defense of Miss California, Carrie Prejean,despite her opposition to same-sex marriage. Trump then said he personally believes that marriage is a sacred institution between a manand a series of progressively younger women." --Jimmy Kimmel

尽管加州小姐卡莉·普乐金反对同性婚姻，唐纳德·特朗普还是为这位小姐辩护了。然后特朗普说，他个人相信婚姻是在一个男人和一连串积极进取的年轻女人之间的神圣制度。——吉米·卡莫

看真人秀《学徒》（又名飞黄腾达）的人应该都知道唐纳德·特朗普，他是这次选美活动的主办方，因此他发话还是很有分量的。而这位卡莉·普乐金此前曾因半裸照事件以及反对同性婚姻的言论一度被取消加州小姐桂冠。

"Last night, President Obama hosted a poetry slam at the White House. A poetry slam is when poets stand up and read poems. They try and outdo each other. And things can get out of control. Apparently, last night, one person got up on stage and rambled on and on and didn't make any sense. And then, when Joe Biden was done, they started the poetry." --Craig Ferguson

昨晚，奥巴马总统在白宫主持了一场诗歌会。诗歌会就是诗人们站起来读诗。他们拼命想超

沪江英语原创资料下载f1ef8f8702d276a200292ee7/new 过别人。场面很容易失控的。很明显，昨晚一个人站在台前一直闲晃没说什么有意义的话，然后，当乔·拜登说完了，他们开始读诗了。——克莱格·弗格森

"Well, here's what I've heard from Washington. The Republicans

are downhearted. They're disenchanted and they're worried now, the Republicans, because they're out of office, they're out of power. The Republicans are worried that the image of the Republican Party is downbeat and angry. And I was thinking, well if you ask me, honestly, all the fun went out of the Republican Party when Arlen Specter left. Are you like me, do you kind of feel, all right, the party's over! … Yeah, so the Republicans are angry. And I was thinking, well you know, the time to get angry might have been eight years ago, but that didn't happen." --David Letterman

呃，这是我从华盛顿听来的消息。共和党人都很无精打采。他们不再抱有幻想了，现在很忧虑，这些共和党人，因为他们下台了，他们没有权力了。共和党人担心他们党派的形象下降了，他们很愤怒。那会我就在想，要是你问我的话，咱们说老实话，在阿伦·斯派克特离开共和党那会他们才好玩哪。你有没有像我一样，有没有这种感觉？好吧，这个政党玩儿完了！……是吧，所以，共和党人很生气，然后我就在想，大家都知道嘛，八年前就应该生气了，但是没有。——大卫·莱特曼

"You all have a happy Mother's Day? I thought this was nice. John Edwards told his wife, 'Of all the women I have children with, I'm going to spend today with you.'" --Jay Leno

你们都过了一个开心的母亲节吗？那太好了，约翰·爱德华兹跟他老婆说，“在所有跟我生过孩子的女人中，今天我要和你一起过。”——杰·雷诺

不清楚爱德华兹事件的同学请点击了解事件背景>>

"Governor Schwarzenegger says he is trying to get marijuana legalized here in the California. He wants to legalize it. Yeah. Yeah. I believe his

campaign slogan is 'Change We Can Breathe In.'" --Jay Leno

施瓦辛格州长说，他正在努力让大麻在加州合法化。他想让大麻合法。对啊对啊，我相信他的竞选口号是“改变我们能吸入的一切。”——杰·雷诺

"California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to legalize marijuana. Good slogan he has — 'Yes, we cannabis.'" --Jay Leno

加州州长阿诺·施瓦辛格希望让大麻合法化，他有一个很好的口号——“是的，我们印度大麻。”——杰·雷诺

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