《哈佛大学公开课：幸福课21-23集》英中字幕 - 图文

《哈佛大学公开课：幸福课 21-23集》英中字幕 目 录

[第21集] 爱情和自尊 .................................................................................................................... 2 [第22集] 自尊与自我实现 .......................................................................................................... 37 [第23集] 收获交流 ...................................................................................................................... 74

《哈佛大学公开课：幸福课 21-23集》英中字幕 [第21集] 爱情和自尊

Student:Hi,everyone.My name is Meghan. And we were running a really fun study right after class about mindfulness and vision. It shouldn't take more than 10 to 15 minutes. So if you are interested,we need more than 60 people. So just come up to the front after class. And it won't take a long time.It's really fun.Thank you. (Applause) Dr.Tal Ben-Shahar:You know this story about Gertrude Stein. And she was taking philosophy class with William James, right here in the Art. And they had their final exam.And it was spring semester course. And she comes into the exam.And it's a day like today. And the exam is about metaphysics,and the meaning of life. So she opens the exam and writes, \And she walks out. And you know,as legend has it of course, she gets a straight A in William James' class. Don't use that as an example or an excuse later on in this semester. But I really appreciate you being here today. It is a beautiful day. I was thinking of having the class outside, but I think - maybe we should.Yeah. What we are going to do today is finish up on relationships - we have just a little to go, and then start with our final topic for the course, which is self-esteem. So let me just recap what we did when we discussed relationships. So we talked about how do we - given our natures, how do we attain,how do we sustain lasting love, lasting passion when it seems on the physiological level

（第21集开始）嗨 大家好 我叫Megan 课后我们会进行一个非常有趣的研究 有关内观自省与知见 时间不会超过10到15分钟 我们需要至少60个人 所以如果你有兴趣 请课后到教室前面来 不会耽搁很久的 真的很有趣 谢谢 掌声 你们都听过格特鲁德·斯泰因的这个故事 她那时上William James的哲学课 就在哈佛拉德克利夫学院 要期末考试了 她上的是春季班 她来到考场 就跟今天一样是个晴朗的日子 考试的内容是形而上学及生命的意义 于是她打开试卷 写道 \多么美好的一天 不应该浪费在考试上\然后走出了教室 而且传说 William James的课程她全A通过 本学期考试时 不要学她 或者拿她当借口 不过我真的很感谢各位今天出席 今天天气非常好 我想过要到户外上课的 不过…也许我们应该去的 是的 今天我们要讲完爱情 还差一点就讲完了 然后我们会开始讲本课程最后一个话题 也就是自尊 先回顾一下上回讲到的关于爱情的内容 《哈佛大学公开课：幸福课 21-23集》英中字幕 at least that our natures are not attuned to that approach. And we talked about - when studying the best relationships, the \based on the work of David Schnarch and John Gottman. The first one is: relationship is the hard work. It's an illusion to think that the most important thing is finding the right relationship; it is more important to cultivate that one chosen relationship. And just like we would not thrive,succeed at work, if we said,\and then put our legs up and relax; similarly we would not thrive in a relationship, if we have the finding mindset - we just need to find it and we will live happily ever after, as we talked about movies and where love begins. The second component of a healthy, lasting and passionate relationship related to the first one is the notion of being known rather than being validated, expressing rather than impressing,being open, revealing our weaknesses as well as our strengths,our desires, our passions,our fears and insecurities. And relationships that do, or partners that do that within a relationship, over time attain higher and higher levels of intimacy,happiness, and they thrive,and they remain - maintain their passion. That's the second component. The third component of a healthy relationship is that there are conflicts there. It is an illusion to believe that the ideal relationship is one that is conflict free that doesn't exist, unless both partners are suppressing serious issues. So there are conflicts in relationships. The challenge is to have more positivity than negativity of course in a relationship, but also to learn how to be in the midst of disagreement, how to have conflict. And finally, the fourth point that we talked about was positive 我们讲到了人类要如何…考虑到人的本性 人类要如何获得 维持长久的爱情与激情 因为从心理学角度看 这似乎有违人的本性 当我们讲到研究那些最成功的恋情时 最成功的恋情有四个特点 根据David Schnarch和John Gottman的研究发现的 第一条是 经营爱情需要付出努力 人们往往误以为 寻找合适的爱情对象是最重要的 其实更重要的是如何经营你选择的爱情 就跟工作一样 如果我们找到了梦想中的工作 然后翘起腿 什么也不做 是不可能成功的 同样的 如果我们在一段恋情中抱有寻找心态 我们的恋情也不会成功 以为只要找到爱情就能幸福地生活下去 我们说过 电影结束时 正是爱情刚开始时 一段健康长久充满激情的爱情 第二个组成部分 跟第一个有关联 我们要被了解 而不是被认可 表达自己 而不是粉饰自己 坦开心扉 坦诚自己的弱点 优点 渴望 热情 恐惧与不安 这样的爱情 恋爱中的双方如果这样做了 会渐渐变得更加亲密 更加快乐 感情更好 激情不哀 这是第二个组成部分 健康爱情的第三个组成部分是 冲突是不可避免的 人们往往误以为 理想的爱情没有冲突 这是不可能的

《哈佛大学公开课：幸福课 21-23集》英中字幕 perception; being a benefit finder,and more than that, being a benefit creator. I want to just go back quickly and elaborate on something that I didn't last time about the conflict or conflicts within a relationship. I think the most important essay, article that I read about relationships in general was the article on friendship by Ralph Waldo Emerson, published in a84a. And What Emerson writes about is his ideal friend. Let me quote him. He says,\what I am looking for is not a mush of concessions, a person who would agree with everything that I say; rather what I'm looking for is a beautiful enemy, a person who will challenge me,who will push me, who will help me in my apprenticeship to the truth.\A beautiful enemy - what a beautiful phrase. A conflict free relationship is where there are no beautiful enemies. A beautiful enemy is a person who loves us, who cares about us enough to challenge us,enough to disagree. And ask yourself what kind of friend, what kind of romantic partner would you like? A yes man or woman? Or a person who would be honest, would have high levels of integrity? What is the ideal friend? What is the ideal partner? You know it's interesting this whole idea of beautiful enemy goes way back it goes back to the most influential text in certainly the Western world,which is the Bible. In Genesis,God sees that man is alone. So he creates a help meet for him,a woman.A helpmeet. What does that phrase mean? This is the King James translation. Well,if you look at it in the Hebrew,original, \In other words,the helpmeet translation,the meet part,M-E-E-T, is like athletic meet,like a competition. Not helping and they meet together - it's help as 除非双方都在刻意躲避严重问题 所以爱情中时有冲突发生 当然在一段恋情中 我们的挑战就是要 让积极的大于消极的 而且要学会如何应对分歧 应对冲突 最后 第四点是积极认知 要做优点感知者 不仅如此 还要创造优点 我快快回顾一遍 然后细讲一些上回没说的东西 关于爱情中的冲突 我觉得我读过的 关于爱情最重要的文章 是艾默生的《论友谊》 发表于1841年 艾默生在其中写了他理想的朋友 我来读一段 他说 \在朋友身上 我寻找的不是盲目的让步 对我千依百顺的人 我寻找的是一个美丽的敌人 能挑战我 敦促我 帮助我寻求真相\美丽的敌人 多美的描述 没有冲突的爱情 就没有美丽的敌人 美丽的敌人是指因为爱我们 关心我们 所以要跟我们针锋相对的人 问问你自己 你想找的 是什么样的朋友或伴侣 是百依百顺的好好先生或太太吗? 还是一个诚恳待人 直言规劝的诤友 理想的朋友 理想的伴侣 是什么样的? 有趣的是 美丽敌人这一概念最早可以追溯到 西方世界 最有影响力的文本 即圣经 在创世纪中 上帝看到男人独居

《哈佛大学公开课：幸福课 21-23集》英中字幕 opposition. And already then that it was notices the ideal relationship is not one which is all smooth,conflict free; it is one where there is some resistance. And it's this resistance that Gottman talked about in the - or he is talking about in the 2ast century that it is so important, so critical for a healthy relationship,a beautiful enemy, help as opposition,helpmeet, again with a lot of positivity in the relationship as well. So we move on,and just finish up on positive perception. I want to show you an excerpt from one of my favorite movie as I think it's one of the best movies certainly in the realm of psychology ever made,from As Good As it Gets. And here is the part where Holly Hunter tells Jack Nicholson that he'd better give her a compliment and it'd better be a good compliment. Because if it is not,she's getting up and leaving. He just said something very offensive to her. So here is what he has to say to the woman he loves. [VIDEO: CLIP FROM AS GOOD AS IT GETS] OK,now I've got a really great compliment for you,and it's true. I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful. Don't be pessimistic.It's not your style. Okay,here I go: Clearly,a mistake. I've got this,what - ailment? My doctor,a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I hate pills,very dangerous thing,pills.Hate. I'm using the word \My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never... All right,well,you were there,you know what you said. Well,my compliment to you is, the next morning,I started taking the pills. I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me. You make me want to be a better man. 于是为他造一个配偶帮助他 一个女人 helpmeet helpmeet这个词是什么意思? 这是钦定版圣经的翻译 如果你看希伯来原文 \的原文是\kenegdoor\对立的帮助 也就是说 helpmeet中meet的意思 类似运动会的会 也就是竞争 不是指帮助并取得共识 而是对立的帮助 所以那时人们已经注意到 理想的爱情 不是一帆风顺 没有冲突的 而是有阻力的 这种阻力就是Gottman曾经谈到… 本世纪一直谈到的 对于健康的爱情关系 非常重要且关键的 一个美丽的敌人 对立的帮助 当然还要有积极的态度 我们继续讲积极认知 我想给大家放一段视频 是我最爱电影的片段 我认为这部影片是心理学领域 最成功的一部影片 《尽善尽美》 这段视频中海伦.亨特告诉杰克.尼克尔森 他最好称赞一下她 而且要称赞得很好听 否则她就马上离开 他之前刚说了非常冒犯她的话 于是他对他爱的女人这么说 (视频:电影《尽善尽美》片段) 好了 现在 我是有些称赞你的话 而且都是真心话 我担心你会说出很难听的话 悲观可不是你的风格 好了 我要说了:确实 我错了 我得了 怎么说…小毛病? 我的医生 我常去看的心理医生… 说五到六成的病例… 服药就会有效 我憎恨吃药 药很危险 恨死了

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